moon light chaser

I'm still reading Critical Thinking ebooks sometimes. But still I don't have enough confidence in myself that I can think critically. Today I bought an earring and a cup for my girlfriend. I found myself I can go along pretty well with her friend. One thing is about to persuade her.Persuade her to sign the marriage registry so that it will ease when we apply the PR. There are not too much things we can do in X-mas or X-mas eve here in Yangon. There are X-mas lights light up in some of the shopping center. Not as beautiful as Orchard. I lived in Singapore for 7 years and now I'm missing Singapore. Nothing can help. Now my dream is to marry my girl, apply a PR for her. We will live together in Singapore. After finishing my degree, my salary will be increase. Today my girl told me that she wants to apply for diploma in Parkway Institute. I was happy when I heard that even though I cannot afford to pay the school fee. If she won't get PR and only have to stay with depended pass, she will be very bored in home. So she might need to work or she might want to study. A lot of things.

Actually my girlfriend,she's pitiful. She will go to Singapore because of me.She is a doctor in Myanmar. A teacher with the regular income. She have to abandon all these things and have to come to place where I study and work, Singapore. I have no words to describe how much I love her. I have a lot of dreams for her. Dreams are sometimes not so good, you have to be disappointed if that's not happened. So this time I tell myself to make them happened. I have no way back. She will have to come to Singapore in April and have to apply PR.

Tonight I kissed her cheek in the street. A car driver who saw us shout "Do it in home!". It was so funny and we both laugh. She was shy.

Tomorrow I will have to go to Kyite Kaw (the village in southern part of Myanmar). Nobody will celebrate X-mas there. But even in Yangon, I don't know a place to celebrate X-mas and new year. The Inya lake will not be opened till 12:00 in new year too. There is no fireworks for new year in here as well. Quite sad. But one good thing is that I can go to Shwe Dagon Pagoda with my girl.

Today I feel happy. I have a great conversation with my girlfriend. At first we talked about the plans. Later we discussed about her friends, relatives and so on. I want to know more about her, about her friends , everything about her. I feel like we became closer by having a conversation like this. I love her more and more. The remaining part is to sign the registry of marriage in Myanmar. To save the hussel, I want to sign ROM in Myanmar. So that we can apply PR later easily. We went out to Inya lake. When we get there it was already dark. The breeze blow across the lake is really refreshing and we talk about so many things. There are a few mosquitos here and there, but sitting on the bank of the lake and holding her nicely complete me.

The doctor reduce the nightly dose of medicine,Resperidol from 3 mg to 1 mg. So I feel active in the day. Now I'm thinking about applying PR for my girlfriend, soon to be my spouse. The documents required to file with the application are the same with the documents required to file with depended pass. So I want to give it a try. We have to wait for 3 months for the application to process. 3 months is such a long wait. I'm not so sure about my girlfriend. She hates waiting. For me, it's ok. I even have more time to prepare. The only thing I afraid of is the rejection of application from the immigration. If that's happened there is no other choice. Wait for 1 year to complete my studies ? I don't know. But I'm hoping for the best, she will get a PR pass like me and can work in Singapore. How good is that. But for now I'm feeling anxious. I don't know how to convince her to bear with that 3 months and how to cope with the anxiety if the application is not successful. Anything can be happened, if the application for PR is not successful, can we still get the depended pass. This is the question I need to know.

So the plan is she will come to Singapore with a visit pass for 1 month, we will sign ROM and will apply the PR for her. Then she will go back to Myanmar and wait for the application to be processed. Once the application is successful, she will come back to Singapore and stay with me for the rest of our lives. This is the vision. May force be with me.

Living in Myanmar is good for nothing for me. People say I'm not so active here, slow and lazy. I remember the point not to criticize myself too harsh. But sometimes I received harsh criticism from my mother regarding about laziness. I'm bored. Bored to death sometimes. Another one thing is about me and my girlfriend's plans. She plans to come to Singapore in April with vacation leave. Then she will apply the long term visit pass and will stay with me. I don't know how to ask all these money, room deposit and school fees from my family. In addition to that now my girlfriend is asking me to make a wedding back in Myanmar if the application for the pass is successful. Or otherwise her side of family will not like the situation that we created. The problem is my family won't want to spend this amount of money on me. Just the traveling expenses is quite high.May be I'm thinking too much. I must break down the problems into a smaller size to see them as the small problems. I might need to revisit problem solving skills books to seek the solution.

Now a lot of things happened to me again. My girlfriend's mom wants me to fix the date to marry her daughter. I have to attend to university again in Singapore. My girlfriend has a passport problem. So she have to wait for her passport. I don't know exactly when will I get graduated too. So I cannot fix the date to marry her as well. She told me to marry her in Yangon instead of Singapore. Sometimes there are things I can do and sometimes there are things out of reach. Something like what my girlfriend said "If the worst thing happened, I have to come back to Yangon after I graduate and work here in Yangon". I know it's not possible, but for the sake of being boyfriend and girlfriend I said "ok,I'll do it". I cannot take my time and relax here in Yangon since things are not giving me a chance to relax. Rather than they are pushing me to go further. But I won't break down again I know because I don't see them as stress or whatsoever. But anyway , I can feel the force inside me stronger and stronger day by day to survive and learn when I am in Yangon. Even though I don't need to work for a time being, I have to think and act for most of the time to live accordingly with people. My mom is a little bit panic these days. As she see me as a kid, she scold me sometimes. Sometimes she have things want me to do seriously and all that. Especially about the religious things. I used to a little bit impatient with religious customs. I believe in Buddha but I'm not that patient enough with the praying and religious customs. She think I'm not taking religion seriously. I know I won't be able to explain these things from my point of view. She accused me for not taking everything seriously. So I have to listen to this same old thing again and bear with it for a while.

I'm planning to take the MCSE course and to take the exam. My girl friend doesn't believe me anymore. That's what she said. Does she see me as a selfish person ? I don't know. Anyway I will do what I should do. I will take MCSE exam while I am in Myanmar and will go back to Singapore to further my studying. Only after I finished my studying I will think about marrying her. That's the only way to make a stable family. For now on I have to teach Java Programming to my younger brother. There is one saying If you want to learn something,read. If you want to understand something, write. If you want to master something, teach. Now I will teach.

Today I have to choose between my girlfriend decision and my own decision. I plan to go back to Singapore before the next year end and want to finish my studying. My girlfriend wants me to stay in Myanmar, if we go to Singapore, she wants to go together with me. My current decision is to go a board by myself first and try to finish the studying(that will take about 6 to 7 months) and marry her. Currently I'm finding a job that will pay me around 50,000 kyats in Myanmar which is not enough even to feed myself properly. The argument is how to support the family with this amount of money or myself. So what she said was that it's good to know about it earlier since she can break up with me. So this is probably the end of the road with my girl. Anyway, it's good since I can finish my studying and will have a chance to work with enough salary to feed myself or can even support my family if I don't have a chance to marry a girl in the future.

Today I got a call from my dad. Asking me how much money can I make in Myanmar with the job currently I'm applying. I said 50,000 or 60,000 , he said . The situation looks like I try to start from A,B,C instead of making a progress. He told me that I can take my time working here in Myanmar for awhile but I always have to assert myself that I'm getting enough money to feed my own family. He really sounds like he wants me to study in aboard again after two or three months spending time here in Myanmar. He said take the chances and carry on with the studying while he can pay for the school fee. Or otherwise I have to work for very low amount of money while staying in Myanmar. What trouble me in here is my girl. She wants me to stay with her together, by her side.
I've been telling her that I will take her to anywhere I go. Singapore or where ever I'm. Now I'm afraid that those things will backfire against to me. My dad wants us to wait for like 1 or 2 years to settle and marry. I go to Singapore first, finished studying and marry her. Some sort of that way. But I know for sure is that she won't be able to accept that idea.

I'm torn. I'm torn between what should I choose to be. Should I apply the management jobs or should I applied the technical job here. What I believed is the the job scope is always changing. Even if I apply for the technical job, if I work there for long, my job scope will change and the nature of my job will be change too. I feel like I'm not ready for management job yet even though I know management techniques. Anyway, later I will go and deliver my resume to the companies since there is no sending of email for job application here in Yangon. My sister will drive me around the town to deliver those. Such a tedious but convincing job. Because I will have a chance to see the companies' location for the first time when I deliver the resume. Not nice but nice. Yesterday I tried to apply for the pre-school teacher position but later I found out that the position is only available for female applicants only. That's one thing about Myanmar, in here most jobs are available only to female.

I'm torn. I'm torn between my parent's work and my own job. If I do my own job , I have no time to look into the rubber plantation. I will not have a chance to study the management things. But I should not give myself such excuses, I want to learn as much as possible. I want to learn from my own job and management from my mom and my sister. Such a long way. I feel excited and lively again.

Today I went to rubber plantation with my mom , my sister and my brother. It was a winter morning when we get there. Now a part of the plantation is like a small garden because of a good manager living in there. We go around the plantation to check the housing of the workers and fire safety lane. There are so many butterflies around the depth of weeds. It was so beautiful. Sometimes we have to cross the creeks. My mom asked about the plantation condition when we walked around the plantation and she prepared to make the decisions. She want to plan to dig the pebbles in plantation. What we need is an pump engine to suck out the water,debris and pebbles.

Now what we left in here is the pump engine. My mom expects to get 50,0000 kyats from that work monthly.Left with 30,00000 for the whole season. What we, my sister and me suggested was that we will left with a pump engine as a profit after the season. So it was a good decision to plan to dig the pebbles from the plantation and sell them.

Today I came back from jogging with my mom in Kandawgyi. Kandawgyi is a famous lake in Yangon. There were a few people walking and jogging. Not a lot of people jog here in Yangon. I feels like Yangon as a rural town compared to Singapore. It's not so developed yet it's nice.I will live in this town and make my living. My parents are in here. I can marry a town girl who loves me so much. One thing in here is that I don't have much time thinking about something or leave no room for imagination here. Yangon itself is a city of imagination. Its fulled of lives. Such a dreamy place.

So Now I'm in Yangon. What the difference ? Quite a lot of thing. Firstly is my girl.
She was so happy and she wants me to be with her for all the time.
She took me to the downtown, Chinatown and we had a dinner together. I don't have much time
on thinking. I kissed her all the time. There are no spots on her face I didn't kiss. The happniess never
ends. We hugged each other and kissed each other the whole day and we talked about the things
happened in the past. Her eyes were jumping with excitements and I can see through them.
She has a beautiful smile and eyes. I called her Thae Lay. The Lay, I love you. I hope this will never ends.

No matter how many time we kissed, we hugged and say I love you or say you love me. I hope this things
will never change. Thae Lay, get inside my chest and say the words together with my heart to love you more
I will say those love words to you together with my heart.

To be honest, I'm so excited to go back to Yangon. There are a lot of things waiting for me there to be happened. I can be anything I want to be. A teacher, a computer repair-man, a business man or anything. I can be with her too. My girl, I can be with her. I find my life to be exciting and daring. I'm not living against the reality, I am living accordingly to what the reality is given to me. Now I'm practicing critical thinking in my free time. During this break, I learned quite a few things. About Emotional Intelligence, about critical thinking and so on. I'm satisfied with what I have learned so far. The things I learned change the ways I see the world.

To be honest, I misunderstood the critical thinking before I learned about it. I thought that critical thinking is for people who criticize and that's why that is a skill of pessimistic. I was wrong, actually critical thinking is to parse the information. Not for the pessimistic or optimistic in particular. It's a reasoning skill. It helps a person to solve the problems with necessary reasoning.

If I got a computer troubleshooting jobs again I'm ready to use the critical thinking skill for reasoning and problem solving. I'm excited.

Today I joined myanmar forums back. I joined that forums last time. But in that time , I didn't know how to think critically. So I was filled up with too much ego the last time I was in there. Now the things changed, I joined the forums to see the debates, arguments and discussions. But still I find myself unable to form a logic when I reading the arguments in the forums posts. May be I'm reading too fast and I didn't fully applied the reasoning skill yet. But I believe studying the critical thinking and reading and involving in the fourm will give me advantages.

Today I had a chance to chat with one of my friends. He discussed me about the "Anger is beautiful" entry of my blog. He said my conclusion on the article itself is wrong. He insisted that Wrath", "Avarice", "Sloth (deadly sin)", "Pride", "Lust", "Envy", and "Gluttony" are seven sins in Christianity and he prove his point that he doesn't see anger as beautiful or my entry shouldn't make assumption that anger is beautiful.

That what we have in here is that the entry is the personal experience of a person, not a fact. So the logic behind it is appeared to be flawed if someone read the entry with critical thinking in mind. So what he convinced me was that we can write with or without emotions in our daily blog or diary. But we don't see them as a logic or conclusion to solve the further problem. Until we find the logic or fact to make the decision we must keep our arguments opened.

So what happened to "Anger is beautiful" entry. It should be opened to the reader as a wide open arguments to argue , counter argue and so fourth in order to form a proper logic and make a decision at the end.

We should see this as a problem, a problem to be solve, to reach to the solution. Now we are shifting away from logic and arguments and now we see things as "problems,information and decision". Yes, this is another way to think critically. Problems must be recognized, the information must be gathered to solve the problems, assumptions must be cleared out and replaced with facts until we can find the solution which is allowed as to make the decision.

So what happened to "Anger is beautiful" entry. It should be re-looked with critical thinking in mind, with a skeptical view to form the other arguments. That's what the comments box in the blog are for. They are for arguments. Of course this place is no forums, and not a well known blog, so there are no arguments around in this area. So the best thing is to form the argument by myself and counter against the original idea to come up with the logical solution or statement.

So what I argue about seeing Anger as a beautiful thing is that we can see anger and pride in battlefield and the anger is a mixed emotion of all. Then again I formed a counter argument on my own that about Fear. There is one saying in Christianity saying that "The Fear of the Lord is the beginning of the knowledge". But my friend told me that it is just a motivational phase for the people who do have initiative to do something in their life. So we kept on and on forming arguments upon one another ideas.

Then my friend came up with the idea of logic. How the logic is formed and he believed that there is no such thing as IQ and the people are different to each other depending on how they form the logic. Then he explained me about Deductive logic and Inductive logic (reference: designobserver ) .

So what I see is that I need to re-looked into my previous entry with critical thinking skill and form the argument to form the logic and the solutions.

Last week, my mom said she wanted to abandoned the plan to wait for the social visit pass she applied because she desperately wanted to go back to Yangon. What I said was that's up to her and if she was happy with her decision, she could go back. That was an incorrect decision. Because she waited for a few days more on my younger sister's advice and the visit pass was approved.

Sometimes we need to think rationally. Some decision made based on emotions are sometimes illogical, irrational and irrelevant. Sometimes our decisions can be biased and if we make decisions under stressful situations, we tend to think about the immediate future in this situations. If a person cannot make the decision in this emotional roller-coaster situation, what we need to do is to persuade him/her to reach to the rational solution rather than fueling the emotional orient solution which can be gone wrong. Emotion play apart in our decision making but the goal in critical thinking is to acknowledge and understand the emotions that may influence our decision making, so we can determine when and where to let them become part of the decision-making process.

I want to be a teacher. That's what happened in my mind when I met with Stephen. I called him Steven because I don't remember his name. He is a teacher, an engineer turned into a teacher. He is humble. We watched the movie together and he said he rarely watchs the movies. The hand phone he holding is very old model nokia that can't even play music and I remember seeing those hand-phone being used by low salary workers in Singapore. When he talked with the students, he talk seriously. But he likes me a lot. Because we both are enginners and we can click. I miss Stephen. Did I see my image, myself as a Stephen ? I don't know yet. I don't know what may come next. When life gives me lemons, I have to make lemonade.

There are a lot of things about women. Sometimes they criticize you even you are being in front of them. You just have to take with with the smile even if it's hurt. My mom, my aunt and my sisters, they sometimes opened up their feeling right in front and it hurts somebody. They are so much being used to it and doesn't even know they are hurting somebody. Anyway, I shouldn't take those things into account too much. They are women and all women have this kind of sensitive personality of saying things to confort themselves, so the best thing for me is to mind my own plan and live my own life.

Today I spend most of my time chatting with my girlfriend like the other days. I found myself not satisfying with myself after I chatted with her in the afternoon. The reason is that I came to think that I didn't do anything fruitful to myself, or didn't do anything to improve myself for the day. So I took a break and after the break I started reading an ebook called "Critical Thinking Skills in 20 Days". After a day 1 chapter, I found my satisfaction back through in my vein. I felt self-fulfilling. Yes, we do need to reflect sometimes in a day to evaluate our own satisfactions through out the day in order to live meaningfully and happily. Even though we thought we lived happily sometimes we won't satisfy ourselves. In order to satisfy ourselves, we must do those self-fufilling activities. So I think of an idea to mentally run through the activities of the day to see and feel the satisfaction in everyday or any day I feel like I have lost a sense of direction.

Yesterday I talked with my girlfriend on Gtalk. She told me to kiss her. So I typed a word "kiss" in the chat. She demanded me to kiss her with a real kiss. So I had no other choice and had to kiss the camera. I want to hold her tight and nicely in my arms. She said she wanted to jump into the computer screen so that she could be in my arms. She wore a beautiful earrings, the big earrings and it looks good on her because she has a long neck and beautiful jaws line. There are so many things I want to do together with her when I get back to Yangon. Now I'm thinking about her..

Today my little brother apologized my mom through gtalk that he made a mistake.

The thing is that he went to rubber plantation by himself today and made a decision. When he came back and he found out he made a different decision because of his lack of knowledge in rubber field. The decision was he instructed the foreman to clear the "between lines" instead of "fire safety lane".

Rubber plants are always plant in lines.

• So the distance between lines are called "between line(tan char in burmese)",it's harizontal distance in the picture.

• The distance between plants in a particular line is called "between plants(pin char in burmese)".

• The fire safety lane(mee tar lan in burmese) is to safe guard the rubber plantation from fire.

The width and distances are shown as standard in the picture below. Its a standard for most of the rubber plantations.

















10 ft - "between plants(pin char)(vertical in picture)"
20 ft - "between lines(tan char)(harizontal in picture)"
20 ft - "fire-safety lane(mee tar lan)"

The picture is the picture my mom instructed me to draw and send to my brother to teach him.
Next time I will take photo in rubber plantations and will post here to keep this up. I hope it will benefits the others as well as for me to reference it.

When we are emotionally attach to the what we are doing, more works are done and we feel satisfaction when we are working. That's the reason why sometimes people can spend more time in their work and they don't feel like they are working.

That's what the connection between EI(Emotional Inetlligence) and work. If we sometimes feel angry, upset, happy , joy about the work that we do, we are emotionally connected to the job we are doing and that's a good news. If we feel indifferent about the work that we do and we are just waiting the time to pass in our job, that's the bad news, since we are not emotionally attached to job that we are doing.

That's why housewives can spend their time cooking, washing and doing household activities everyday. They are emotionally attach to the household activities. That's what the volunteers are for. When we emotionally attach to the work that we do, we become one with what we are doing and the amount of work we can do is enormous.

Today my mom talked about her expectations and some bad things about me to my aunt in the kitchen. Things about how I cannot put an end to the things I do. Some of the things like I could not pay my sponsored kid (I sponsored a kid through world vision the last time with my salary), I could not put and end to my studying (I'm a university dropout for two times including this time) and so on and so fourth. I'm not sure how long did she keep those things in her heart. Because when she was talking with my aunt, she was talking wholeheartedly.

Of course, I felt uncomfortable at the time when I hearing all this because in the back of my mind, I felt guilty for the things I cannot put ends to. I do blame on my disease on that matters. My mom thought that those are my habits that I have a habit of not putting the things to the end. I found myself I have no words to explain to her. Should I just said "Mom,it is just because of the schizophrenia, I cannot work properly the last time and I couldn't put the things to end" ? But one thing is that, my mom is one of the people that likely to think that I put blame on schizophrenia and making excuses.

So I kept quite and didn't pick a fight or argue with my mom for this matter. What's the point anyway ? Life is short. I don't want to pick a fight with my mom now and then in this short time span of life. I have to be grateful for having a mom who care about me this much and think about me all the time.

Yesterday I added two or three teachers in the facebook from the school I worked last time. I missed them. Yes, I really do. I'm missing my previous job.

I repaired computers in secondary school. That was my job. Even though the salary I got is very low, I was happy in that job. I love kids, I respect teachers and I felt like I was a part of the people who support the education of the kids. Sometimes I wear Taylor-Swift T-shirts to my workplace to cheer the kids up, I helped the old teachers when they are using the computers. It was like a fantasy land for me to step in.

One time, I had several chances to talk in front of the class to help out with the test. Actually I was a shy person the last time, presentation or something similar always scare me out. But I want to motivate the kids to do better in the test. The driving force of it drive me to speak in front of them, a public speaking skill. I'm so grateful to meet up with those teachers who rely on me to speak in front of the class and allowed me to explain and motivate the students during their test. Even though I made a few mistakes, I found myself I was so happy when I saw the good grades of the kids after the test.

But one bad thing happened, I didn't take my medicine regularly, so my schizophernia kicked in again and I decided to quit that job during my stay in hospital. But later I told myself, I will repair computer with smiles or I will teach others what I learned so far in my later life.

Today I borrowed two books from the library. One is about the human memory, how to use them effectively and how to enhance them. Another one is about the decision making.

I read the book and at the same time I observed how my mom made a decision about purchasing the rubbers in advance through phone call. The way she did was that she sought the statistic first then ask for opinions and then she made a decision of purchasing the rubbers at a certain price.

I'm not sure that she can make a sum out of it, but I just witnessed and had a chance to analyze the decision making process of one person.

A few background of my mom:
My mom is a housewife who is managing the rubber plantation managers. Although she doesn't look like it, she is the one. So most of the time, she run the operations as an operation manager and make the decision now and then. Of course , I didn't go and tell her about this terms and my analysis because she will confuse and will have no interest in them either.

Since I'm going back to Yangon , I will have more time to analyze and learn more thing from her. Before that, I have to practice the memory enhancing skill from the book I borrowed to keep up with my mom. She sure can memorize a lot.

Today my mom angry with me. She has a short-tampered sometimes. Everybody gets angry sometimes. So I don't have any problem with anger.

Anger is formed when the people feel they are unappreciated, formed when the people feel they will lose something they own. Sometimes anger associated with sadness and fear. When the people feel unappreciated, they suddenly feel sadness then here it comes the anger. When they think they will lose something they own, there it comes, the fear and it leads to anger.

Anger is pitiful and beautiful. When the anger is formed on the fear, the fear of losing something drive us to strive for it. There we come the power to drive us with force. Sometimes it mix up with anger, we sometimes strive to get appreciated. But to carry out a task with anger for the rest of the life is painful. Even though the anger is beautiful, we need to be careful when we handle with that.

"To only way to get more love is to give more love"

Yesterday I was chatting with my girl through Gtalk. I can't go back to Burma anytime soon, so she upset and sad. I understand her feeling. I even shed a tear when she was crying on the other side. The feeling is mutual. I cannot see her eyes, I cannot hear her voice. What I can see is the words running thorough the chat box but I shed a tear while reading those.

At first I didn't like her that much. She was the one who loved me first. I was clueless. But later she loved me so much in a way that I couldn't stand not giving my love to her. Her love to me was strong, so in order to match that, I loved her like mad. I was in love, still I am and will be till the rest of my life.

Sometimes I don't know. I see the beauty in everything, is it because of love ? I like flowers and butterflies , is it because of love ?

Whatever it might be I don't want to lose this feelings. If it's because of love, I want to be in love till the rest of my life.

Today I went shopping with my aunt and my mom. We sometimes go out together. One thing is that I can get along with them without being bored. I watched people in the mall, on the street, their fashion always entertain me. Mostly girls are paying attention to fashion here in Singapore. I'm not sure how will it be in Burma. I think if I carry this kind of mindset , I will be happy where ever I am.

A kind of mindset is to see the beauty of people. Yes, people are beautiful. They are beautiful inside and out. They know what to wear, when to wear and what to wear. Their choice of clothing always entertain me and amaze me.

Before I have this kind of vision, I always had a mindset like old people shouldn't wear nice clothes and it's not appropriate. But by now I'm so much different and I even appreciate the old lady wearing make-up and lip-sticks. They are beautiful.

I will carry this mindset to Burma. I'm sure I can make a lot of friends down there with this kind of mindset. I really love to socialize. My new grown habit is to talk with as many people as possible. I will carry this beautiful mindset to Burma, I promise.

I sometimes don't think about I don't have a job. This is not a holiday but this is a time for me to store the energy to use it later. Every time I think about this, I feel so satisfied. What the other people see me is sometimes different. They see me as I'm a worried-free fella with no sense of how to lead a life. Of course I do have a sense of how to lead my life. It's just that I live my life happily.

This is what I learnt from the hospital. When I was in hospital. I had a chance to meet with all kind of people. They do have psychosis but they are gentle, kind and better than normal people. They talked back to you nicely when you go and introduce yourself.

Even though they are violent sometimes. It's not all the time. They don't know themselves they are violent when they are. When they are violent they are tied to the bed with the clothes in order to punish them or let the other people know that someone who are violent will be punished like this.

I saw many warm and kind hearts in the hospital. They helped the hospital staffs, they went and talked to someone if he was down, they asked each other what type of psychosis a person have and they guided and helped through if the person symptoms and the symptoms they have been through is similar.

Sometimes you can see bipolar patients group with bipolar and schizophernia patients group with schizoperhina patients. They helped each other through out.

The person who helped me was Sam. I changed his name because he has his own life. He has a wife and a kid. Sometimes he said he's 41 , sometimes he said he's 50. But, to me he looks like 41. He's a kind person. He went and talked to person if he see the first time the person came to a ward. Sometimes he rubbed the person's back and talk very softly. What me and Sam did in the hospital is that we talked a lot. And sometimes we browsed through women magazine(the only type of magazine available there) and we praised about how the women's hair look, how nice the shoe is, how to match the clothes we saw there with his wife and so on. From there I learnt how to appreciate the beauty of people.

When I recovered and discharged from the hospital, I saw him sad. He said he wants to get discharge like me, he wants to dye his hair(I was the one who tell him to do so), he wants to take care of his little boy who is a lone in his home. From there I learnt that even a person is down with psychosis, love is never change, it keeps on flowing.

I can feel love. I can feel the love between people. Their sharing of feeling sometimes. Yes, people share their feeling all the time. Even when they are talking, they are sharing feeling. All the people are beautiful on their own. They have emotion, feelings. Sometimes I want to talk with every people I meet on the street to share their feeling.

Such a wired thought.
Yes, people are interesting. They have their feeling that cannot be shared and they want to share sometimes. Imagine you are the one to whom they are sharing with. Absorbing the feeling of other to your soul is a beautiful thing. You must be sensitive and shareable being that person.

People feel love like I do. Love is strange and complicated. It takes in all kind of feeling along. Courage, confidence, sadness, pain, tearful laughter and so on.

The book that I'm reading now is called "Staying focus in the Age of Distraction".

The book illustrate about how the people should think and live, how to stay focus in this age of distraction. It's a good book. The best chapters I like is about the spirituality. I had a chance to read about how different people think about their spirituality in their own words.

I sometimes think about kindness and love. Why don't we Buddhists love the Buddha ? There is no words in the scripture saying that Buddha love us. It's only stated that there is a kindness of Buddha toward people. I want to love Buddha. Yes, I want to. I want to love Buddha like I love my mother. It may sound strange but that's what I want to do.

Is it a concept of Christianity ? Because sometimes I see some sentences like "Jesus loves you" and all that. Anyway I'm not converting into Christian. I just want to say I want to love Buddha.

That is the spiritual belief of mine. That's the suggestive procedure mentioned in the book that I read.

Another one thing I had a chance in the book is about the prayers. There are several kinds of prayer. The book suggests that we should not use prayers to induce our guilt. I agree with that. Sometimes self-blame and guilt bring us to nowhere rather than downward spiral thoughts.

Another one thing I noticed is the use of music in our speech and everyday words. Sometimes,especially we Burmese use tone , high and low , like music , to speak someone. Sometimes we do this when we are happy. Yes, those tones can bring happiness to the other. I tried to test out this technique on my mom and a few other people. It works ..

After a series of downward spiral thoughts , my mind back to stable. My mom said "At least,your mom is beside you and guide you through". What she said was true. I felt a rush of love seeping right through me.

I was down with the problem I had with my girlfriend and my mom is beside me. I'm lucky to be loved. I was and still I am. How can I ignore the person who love me so much and think otherwise ?

It's not a strength, it's love.
I can feel her love, her gene in my body and me. I will watch TV or will read a book. But one thing for sure. I won't let her down.

Another one thing is my job. I don't have a job right now. I believe I can find a decent job in Yangon. My emotional quotient is high. My confidence is in proper and I believe in myself. That's all I need to find a decent job. If I cannot find a job, I will make a job. I will work for myself.